Skeptico is four years old today. Yes, I’ve been writing this blog for four years now. In previous years, I’ve marked the occasion with examples of how the people we met during the year might answer the age old chicken / road question. Here are those previous years’ versions:
February 2006 - Why did the chicken cross the road?
February 2007 - Why did the chicken re-cross the road?
February 2008 - Chicken, Road, Year Three
Some serious woo in those first three years. I wondered whether to continue with the tradition this year, wondered if it wasn’t getting a little tired, or if there was enough material. But then I read through some of the year’s posts and I decided that yes, there really was enough woo again this year for more chicken/road answers (including a late entry by Michael Egnor). And yet again, Deepak Chopra makes an appearance – the only person to be featured in all four years’ chicken/road celebrations. Choprawoo – the woo that truly keeps on giving. And the actual reason I started this blog and wrote my first post in 2005.
Now you’re all up to date, with no further ado, here are the chicken abusers we met last year.
Why did the chicken cross the road in 2008?
Animal Liberation Front (ALF)
We’re going to firebomb anyone who works with chickens crossing roads.
Not for a chicken reason. But because people prayed for it. [Turns to aide.] (What? The chicken didn’t cross the road? Not even after we prayed?)
It was the vaccines! Has to be.
The answer is outside the realm of science.
If your name’s PZ Myers you aren’t allowed to watch the chicken crossing the road.
The Moses Code producers
What The Bleep and The Secret didn’t tell you but we will.
Chickens crossing roads leads to atheism leads to eugenics leads to Holocaust and Nazi Germany. It’s quite obvious really.
I’m serving you with a subpoena demanding all documents (including financial records) related to the chicken’s crossing of the road, all communications with anyone connected to the crossing roads issue, and all communications with anyone who blogs about poultry and/or pedestrian-highway access.
The aliens made it. We’ll have the proof soon. Really.
Here are some psychic kids. They’ll imagine some nonsensical reason and some dopey “professor of psychology” will validate it as real. I’m not a ratings whore. No, really.
A psychic said you’re abusing the chicken so we’re reporting you to the cops.
Were ‘time’ to physically exist, then, a simple experiment would have long ago proven it. That experiment would consist of two chickens. One of the two chickens would cross the road, while the other would wait on this side. Were ‘time’ to exist, then the two chickens, a few feet apart (one this side, and one on the “other side” of the road) would be affected at a similar rate by the surrounding-them same speed of ‘time’. As ‘time’ does not exist, but the physical process of change does, the first chicken that has “crossed the road” is on “the other side”, while the chicken that has not crossed would remain on this side indefinitely, for as long as that chicken does not cross the road.
It didn’t – it was all a camera trick.
To set up a Wiki for people uncritical of alternatives to chickens.
To drink some wheatgrass juice, dammit. I’m telling you it’s good for you. We CAN digest it.
Genetically engineered chickens, crossing roads, are causing the biggest-ever traffic disaster. I know because I’ve been to the Punjab. And western Australia. I have been there. Seen it. Roads full of chickens.
To pray for lower gas prices. [Turns to aide.] (What?)
Ancient Code producers
Forget The Moses Code, What The Bleep and The Secret. WE’LL tell you. No, really.
And where does a lot of that earmark money end up? It goes to projects having little or nothing to do with the public good - things like chicken research in Paris, France. I kid you not.
To pray for McCain to win the election. [Turns to aide.] (What?)
To get acupuncture for its battlefield injuries just like pirates with earrings.
We can’t allow chickens to be offended, so stories about chickens crossing roads will be outlawed.
We don’t know but we are going to make up some lame explanation and pretend we’re psychic.
It only pretended to cross the road to get away from the Wi-Fi that’s messing up its chakras. But chakras are only pretend anyway, so that’s OK.
To completely miss the point.
Unlike me, Steve Salerno has no discernible professional credentials in poultry studies, so how dare he say the chicken didn’t cross the road?
To get to
the Ossett and Batley area Batley.
I assert that the properties of crossing roads are not the properties of chickens and I assert that this is a problem for materialists. As proof, here is a list of dead philosophers who agree with me.
That’s it. On with year five. And I predict Chopra will feature there too.