Madonna solves nuclear waste problem

Good news! Disposing of nuclear waste from nuclear power stations used to be a problem. No more. Pop icon Madonna says it can be cleaned up with a dash of Kabbalah water:

MADONNA and her husband Guy Ritchie have been lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid.

The couple, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement, approached Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) promoting a “mystical” liquid tested in a Ukrainian lake.

Madonna and other Kabbalahists believe water can be given magic healing powers through “meditations and the consciousness of sharing”. Sure it can. Here’s an example of the meditations and the consciousness of sharing in action:

Undercover reporters who attended a Kabbalah Centre dinner in London described how Madonna and Ritchie were among guests who turned east towards Chernobyl and began shouting its name.

There – and you thought this made no sense. And not only does the magic water clean up nuclear waste, it can also fix gynecological problems in cows and sheep. Is there anything it can’t do? Here’s Madonna with the scientific explanation:

“I mean, one of the biggest problems that exists right now in the world is nuclear waste,” she said. “That’s something I’ve been involved with for a while with a group of scientists — finding a way to neutralise radiation, believe it or not.”

Er, not.

One un-named British official summed this up with the only reasonable response:

“… the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically”.

Well, yes. That was nothing though. If you thought that made no sense, listen to this:

“I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?

Madonna has made fabulous films? Now she's really talking bollocks.

Comments

[Smudge]

I truly hate this woman.

[Bronze Dog]

We should get her to test out this hypothesis. Randi gets a lead shield to observe from a safe location.

[Paul]

My mouth dropped open when I read this news article the other day. The absolute imbecility (is that a word) was difficult to believe.

[Paul]

Imecilicism, maybe?

[Big Al]

Well, I found that little bit of spam far more convincing than Madonna's words of woo-wisdom.

I think she and Guy have:

a) Too much time on their hands.
b) Too many people around them whose only job is to tell them how important they are.

The annoying thing is that this nonsense ever got out into the public domain. If Fred Smith from Peckham had said it, we'd never have heard of it. For some reason, we're expected to believe the statement carries more weight because a "celebrity" said it.

I'd have liked to ask Ms. Ciccione what she understood of radioactive decay. It might have been instructive.

[Martin]

What I really hate about Madonna is that she's forever fugged up the promising film career of Guy Ritchie. The guy does two little masterpieces -- Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Snatch -- then hooks up with Madonna and it's bye-bye to a great directing career. It's like she's a vampiress, sucking the talent from anyone she touches down to her own level. Good thing Sean Penn escaped as early as he did.

[Astroprof]

I like Bronze Dog's idea. Since she is so convinced that this will work, let her try. Give her some highly radioactive waste to clean up. Hmm. Hey, it it works, then great. If not, well it might solve some other problems.

[Big Al]

Sorry, Prof, but if you, I, Bronze Dog or Skeptico give her the uranium, the water won't work. It's all those negative skeptical vibes that'd sink into the nuclear waste.

In any case, I suspect any test would go,

"It's up a bit... it can't be working yet... same as it was before... up a bit... THERE! THERE IT GOES! THE RADIATION DEFINITELY WENT DOWN THEN! THAT PROVES IT!"

"Hey, Madonna, it just went up again immediately after."

"You're just being negative. The radiation level definitely went down for a second, you saw it!"

"Radiation is a random process, so it can go up or down. If it went down and stayed down, I might believe there was something in what you said."

"Well, that's just it, isn't it? You don't believe; you're blind to the very real diminution in radioactivity you saw with your own eyes. It works all the time when just Guy and me are in the room, because we believe the evidence of our eyes."

"Well, why don't we just go out and leave a camcorder in here? Then you can show us all we're wrong."

"No, your negativity has leached all the goodness out of the water. It might just as well be ordinary tap water now. I need to pray for six weeks over the next batch while hunched under a violet pyramid."

[Midwesterner]

If it can clean up something as deadly and repulsive as nuclear waste, Madonna ought to use a little of that stuff on herself. Just the photo in her picture book of her snogging Vanilla Ice would be a good reason for a long hot bath in it.

But I don't think it works on wackiness fueled by an unrestrained monster ego. When Guy Ritchie made "Snatch", poor Madonna was so disappointed when she realized it wasn't about her.

[Big Al]

OK, let's play Challenge Madonna!

Moadonna, this week your challenge is to walk into the core of a nuclear reactor armed only with a bottle of Kabbala water. Do you accept the challenge?

[DJ]

Heavy Water. Groovy.

[Chelfyn]

Maybe, just maybe, we could use nuclear waste to solve the Madonna problem?