Vatican Excuse Bingo

The excuses the Vatican and its supporters have now come up with to justify its systematic cover up of the rape of children have now officially exceeded the numbers required for a 5x5 bingo card.  Consequently, I give you Vatican Excuse Bingo.  Play it when Bill Donohue is on (if you can bear watching that disgusting slime bag) and you will be finished in no time. 

Explanations:

In the unlikely event that you’re not familiar with any of the excuses summarized on the card, I give a slightly more detailed explanation for each, below.

Long Time Ago

It all happened a long time ago and the church has changed.  No fair to keep bringing it up.

Secular Society

It’s the fault of The secularization of society.  If only everyone was a good catholic and kept his mouth shut, things would be just fine.

Women’s Ordination / Abortion / Gay Marriage

The only agenda of the church’s critics is women's ordination, abortion and gay marriage.

Pornography

With so much invasion of eroticism, sometimes it's not easy to stay celibate or to respect children.  Not easy!

Jews / Liberal Media / The Internet / Satan

The Jews are always behind everything as is The liberal media (ie The New York Times).  Oh and Satan.  Yes he exists.

Like the Persecution of Jews

Criticizing the Catholic Church is just like persecution of the Jews because pointing out that the church systematically covered up the rape of children for decades is exactly like murdering six million Jews. 

(Yes we know this conflicts with the previous point.  We hope you won’t notice.)

Hatred of Christianity

What motivates the church’s critics most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. 

Homosexuals

Of course, the real problem is homosexuality not pedophilia.  You see, there is a relationship between homosexuality and pedophilia.  That is true.  That is the problem.

Masons

It’s both the fault of freemasonic organizations that portray pedophilia as normal, and also a conspiracy by masonic lodges and big business to undermine the church.  Simultaneously.

Post Pubescent

It wasn’t pedophilia because the kids (most of them anyway) were post-pubescent.  And they wore sexy short shorts.  (OK I made the last bit up.)

Boy Scouts / Schoolteachers

Employers from every walk of life – schoolteachers, boy scouts – all molest kids.  For example, just this month, Rabbi Baruch Lebovits was found guilty on eight counts of sexually abusing a Brooklyn boy.  (Hey, it’s fault of the Jews again.)

Petty Gossip

It really is.  Petty gossip about raping children and systematically covering it up for years.  So annoying.

Therapy

The priests were not reported to the police because they were being put in therapy instead.  It was the zeitgeist of the day you see.  Everyone did it.

Catholic Standards

At least the Catholic Church has the standard that rape is wrong (even if it falls short of that standard), unlike atheists.

You Didn’t Object

Victims didn’t object - most 15-year-old teenage boys wouldn’t allow themselves to be molested. So why did you?”

Gold Diggers

These so-called victims are just gold diggers – just out to make a buck off the poor honest church.

Radical Lawyers

The liberal media has teamed up with Radical Lawyers to persecute the church.

Parents

Parents and psychologists are to blame for not reporting the sex abuse in a timely fashion.  Because if they had reported the abuse promptly the church would have acted immediately.

No Smoking Gun

Cardinal Joey Ratzinger knew nooothing about it.  Nooothing, I tell you.  Move along now.

Did I miss any?

(Post Script: If you liked Vatican Excuse Bingo, then you’ll love Cold Reader Bingo and Creationist Bingo.)

Comments

[Account Deleted]

Wow, cool.

[Tea]

Yes, you missed the "everyone else is doing it!" excuse. Maybe it was just the former Slovenian archbishop who dared tell the world that the number of children abused by catholic priests was "statistically negligible" (compared to the percentage of abused children everywhere), but I think I've heard it elsewhere too.

[Arkan]

Hilarious, thanks!

[Great job]

You also forgot:

"We want to apologize to victims but lawsuits will bankrupt the Church".

Also, "Some people who were molested were able to get on with their lives, so it can't be so bad".

Also, "We DID address the problem. Using Canon Law. That is better than Civil or Secular Law, because it comes from G-d."

[Trance Gemini]

The Child Seducer.

The five year old (or whatever age) seduced the Priest, not the other way around, so what was he supposed to do? Celibacy is hard enough without the kids seducing the Priests and offering them these temptations. He/she wanted it.

(Yes there was a news report where a Priest claimed this but I can't find the link right now)

[Trance Gemini]

Found the link for you.

http://richarddawkins.net/articles/5389-bishop-of-tenerife-blames-child-abuse-on-the-children

[Peapoh]

Awesome. XD

[slikts]

It's getting annoying that you insist on calling child abuse "pedophilia" even after having it pointed out that it's a medical term and that not all child abusers are pedophiles, most are just avanturists.

[Skeptico]

BINGO!

[Nico]

Its annoying that you complain about the term and ignore the sexual fault.

[Tom Foss]

On one hand, I agree with slikts. Pedophilia is a disorder, a dangerous paraphilia, and those who suffer from it can't be blamed for how they're wired. There are pedophiles who don't act on their urges, and some even seek help to curb the desires, recognizing the danger to themselves and others. Not all pedophiles are child rapists or abusers, and not all child rapists or abusers are pedophiles (or ephebophiles, which is also relevant to the Vatican discussion).

That being said, that all deals with a fairly technical definition of the word "pedophile," which, for better or worse, has developed a colloquial definition that is less specific (something like "a person who has sex with people under the age of consent"). There's not a particularly good word for this in common parlance, and so people have adopted and altered a word from the scientific vernacular. Skeptico's meaning is clear, when one considers how the word "pedophile" is used casually.

It's not the first time, and it almost certainly won't be the last, that a scientific term is adopted and changed by the general public, and it may have to result in a new scientific term. It's not even the first time it's happened in psychology (see also: moron, idiot). It's annoying, but it's a consequence of a language that evolves and isn't bound by reason or rigid definitions.

I think it's fair to point out the ambiguity in the term, and it's useful to remember that not all the Vatican's abuses have been strictly sexual in nature. But to criticize someone for using a term as it is casually used is just going to cause you unnecessary frustration. I understand, because I do it too (and I think most skeptics do at one time or another--*cough*theory*cough*), but you're fighting against the tide of language here, and that's generally a losing battle.

[Ryan]

I use it the way the Catholic Church does:

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone said in a news conference in Chile on Monday that "many psychologists and psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relation between celibacy and pedophilia."

They do believe, however, "that there is a relation between homosexuality and pedophilia," he said. "That is true. ... That is the problem."

From Skep's link, my bold.

Just quoting their stupid misconceptions.

[James Smith João Pessoa, Brazil]

Let's also address the situation of being an accessory after the fact and aiding and abetting. Two crimes of which Mr, Ratzinger is obviously guilty and for which he should be prosecuted. Unless the concept of "equal justice under the law" doesn't apply to religion like taxes and social responsibility.

[Misha]

Oh!!! Please!!! Pedophilia…, paraphilia…. Why would you blame on poor priests? Don’t you remember? Everything is divine plan!!?? I am just wondering where was a god when it was happening? Which you call it - “all loving father”? It is how he loves his children?

[Erik]

I was missing the "yes yes, well, stop bringing this up because the church is doing so many good things" argument. That trumps everything. Apparently.

[Brian]

Alright you ignorant atheists... if there is no god, then HOW DOES THE SUN KEEP ORBITING THE EARTH? BAM!

You see people, that's how you deal with atheist skum. With LOGIC! Hit that bullseye and the rest of the dominoes will come down like a house of cards... CHECKMATE!

And on that note...

Dunt dun duuh DAAAAHHHH!

!!!!!!!!!MY ATHEIST STORE!!!!!!!!!

Aristotle's Muse

This is my store. Maybe wearing an atheist T-shirt won't change the world, but enough of them just might.

[Throckmorton]

You need to add that "it was aggressive Nazi atheists that did it!", 'cause thats what the pope wants you to think.