Skeptico

One Giant Embarrassment

Trust The Onion.  Two Bangladeshi newspapers recently took that statement quite literally, which was a big mistake.

The Onion recently ran a Moon landing conspiracy piece - Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked, featuring a spoof interview with Neil Armstrong, who supposedly only now realizes he had been fooled into thinking he had actually walked on the Moon:

According to Armstrong, he was forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos, and reading several blog posts on conspiracy theorist Ralph Coleman's website, OmissionControl.org.

"It only took a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realize I had been living a lie, " said a visibly emotional Armstrong, addressing reporters at his home. "It has become painfully clear to me that on July 20, 1969, the Lunar Module under the control of my crew did not in fact travel 250,000 miles over eight days, touch down on the moon, and perform various experiments, ushering in a new era for humanity. Instead, the entire thing was filmed on a soundstage, most likely in New Mexico."

"This is the only logical interpretation of the numerous inconsistencies in the grainy, 40-year-old footage," Armstrong added.

More at the link.

Pretty funny.  Except that journalists and editors at a couple of Bangladeshi newspapers thought The Onion was a real news site, and the Armstrong interview was real. They re-published the story as though it were fact:

"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.

"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."

Hey, I’ve got a couple of other real news sites these newspapers could use as a source for their articles.  For example:

The Landover Baptist Church

The Society for DNA Free Food

Dihydrogen Monoxide Research

The British Veterinary Voodoo Society

I guess the moral is always check your sources.  And yes, I did check a couple of other sources before I wrote this post.

This Includes Everything

From James Randi this morning I give you this link to the International Academy of Classical Homeopathy’s website – specifically their Basic ideas of homeopathy page. I think you’ll find it contains all the evidence for the efficacy of homeopathy in one easy to read summary.

Reproduced below, just in case.

July 09 - Edited to add

They have changed the page.  Well, almost.  It is the same as before but they have added the words, "You are not authorised to view this resource. You need to login." Yeah.  Right.

Chicken / Road Year Four

Skeptico is four years old today.  Yes, I’ve been writing this blog for four years now. In previous years, I’ve marked the occasion with examples of how the people we met during the year might answer the age old chicken / road question. Here are those previous years’ versions:

February 2006 - Why did the chicken cross the road?

February 2007 - Why did the chicken re-cross the road?

February 2008 - Chicken, Road, Year Three

Some serious woo in those first three years. I wondered whether to continue with the tradition this year, wondered if it wasn’t getting a little tired, or if there was enough material.  But then I read through some of the year’s posts and I decided that yes, there really was enough woo again this year for more chicken/road answers (including a late entry by Michael Egnor).  And yet again, Deepak Chopra makes an appearance – the only person to be featured in all four years’ chicken/road celebrations.  Choprawoo – the woo that truly keeps on giving.  And the actual reason I started this blog and wrote my first post in 2005. 

Now you’re all up to date, with no further ado, here are the chicken abusers we met last year.

Why did the chicken cross the road in 2008?

Animal Liberation Front (ALF)

We’re going to firebomb anyone who works with chickens crossing roads.

Mike Huckabee

Not for a chicken reason. But because people prayed for it. [Turns to aide.] (What? The chicken didn’t cross the road? Not even after we prayed?)

David Kirby

It was the vaccines! Has to be.

Vox

The answer is outside the realm of science.

The Producers of Expelled

If your name’s PZ Myers you aren’t allowed to watch the chicken crossing the road.

The Moses Code producers

What The Bleep and The Secret didn’t tell you but we will.

Ben Stein

Chickens crossing roads leads to atheism leads to eugenics leads to Holocaust and Nazi Germany. It’s quite obvious really.

Clifford Shoemaker

I’m serving you with a subpoena demanding all documents (including financial records) related to the chicken’s crossing of the road, all communications with anyone connected to the crossing roads issue, and all communications with anyone who blogs about poultry and/or pedestrian-highway access.

Jeff Peckman

The aliens made it. We’ll have the proof soon. Really.

Larry King

Here are some psychic kids. They’ll imagine some nonsensical reason and some dopey “professor of psychology” will validate it as real. I’m not a ratings whore. No, really.

The Principal of Terry Fox Elementary

A psychic said you’re abusing the chicken so we’re reporting you to the cops.

Victor Senchenko

Were ‘time’ to physically exist, then, a simple experiment would have long ago proven it. That experiment would consist of two chickens. One of the two chickens would cross the road, while the other would wait on this side. Were ‘time’ to exist, then the two chickens, a few feet apart (one this side, and one on the “other side” of the road) would be affected at a similar rate by the surrounding-them same speed of ‘time’. As ‘time’ does not exist, but the physical process of change does, the first chicken that has “crossed the road” is on “the other side”, while the chicken that has not crossed would remain on this side indefinitely, for as long as that chicken does not cross the road.

Criss Angel

It didn’t – it was all a camera trick.

Manish Bhatia

To set up a Wiki for people uncritical of alternatives to chickens.

Wheatgrass Proponents

To drink some wheatgrass juice, dammit. I’m telling you it’s good for you. We CAN digest it.

Prince Charles

Genetically engineered chickens, crossing roads, are causing the biggest-ever traffic disaster. I know because I’ve been to the Punjab. And western Australia. I have been there. Seen it. Roads full of chickens.

Rocky Twyman

To pray for lower gas prices. [Turns to aide.] (What?)

Ancient Code producers

Forget The Moses Code, What The Bleep and The Secret. WE’LL tell you. No, really.

Sarah Palin

And where does a lot of that earmark money end up? It goes to projects having little or nothing to do with the public good - things like chicken research in Paris, France. I kid you not.

Arnold Conrad

To pray for McCain to win the election. [Turns to aide.] (What?)

The United states Air Force

To get acupuncture for its battlefield injuries just like pirates with earrings.

The United Nations

We can’t allow chickens to be offended, so stories about chickens crossing roads will be outlawed.

Haunting Reality

We don’t know but we are going to make up some lame explanation and pretend we’re psychic.

Residents of Glastonbury

It only pretended to cross the road to get away from the Wi-Fi that’s messing up its chakras. But chakras are only pretend anyway, so that’s OK.

Congressman Mark Souder

To completely miss the point.

Deepak Chopra

Unlike me, Steve Salerno has no discernible professional credentials in poultry studies, so how dare he say the chicken didn’t cross the road?

Joe Power

To get to the Ossett and Batley area Batley.

Michael Egnor

I assert that the properties of crossing roads are not the properties of chickens and I assert that this is a problem for materialists.  As proof, here is a list of dead philosophers who agree with me.

That’s it.  On with year five.  And I predict Chopra will feature there too.

UFO Identified

Someone in Wales (UK) recently called the police emergency number to report that he had seen a UFO:

Caller: I just need to inform you that across the mountain there's a bright stationary object."

Control: "Right."

Caller: "If you've got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It's been there at least half an hour and it's still there."

The police officer dispatched promptly identified the UFO as The Moon.

Asparagus Tips

A woman in England claims to be an Asparamancer – she tells fortunes using asparagus:

Ms Packington, from Worcester, throws the asparagus spears onto the floor and makes her predictions based on how they land.

She says she stumbled across her asparagus-predicting skills a few years ago by chance, after some stalks fell on the floor and she made a prediction which came true.

As good a method as any other I suppose. Which is to say, totally useless. Half-assed, you might say. As useless as an Astrologer. I doubt it’s the dawning of the age of asparagus. Er, that’s all I got.

Packington shouldn’t be confused with Sylvester Stallone’s mother, Jackie – she tells your fortune by looking at your ass.  Completely different thing.

I predict your pee will smell funny.

Homeopathic Drugs found in US Drinking Water

Following recent discoveries that prescription drugs - including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones – have been found in drinking water across the U.S., it has just been revealed that another team has found homeopathic drugs in American tap water:

In the course of a five-month inquiry, our teams tested the drinking water supplies of 24 major metropolitan areas for numerous homeopathic remedies including Arsenicum Album, Belladonna, Kali Carbonicum and Aurum Metallicum. Despite multiple testing scenarios, and despite using the most advanced and sensitive equipment available, we were not able to find even one molecule of the homeopathic remedies in any of the tap water samples we examined. While this would not be a problem with conventional medicines, homeopathic remedies are stronger the more dilute they are. This means that samples of water we tested containing zero molecules of, for example Arsenicum Album, would be Arsenicum Album at the maximum strength possible.  Homeopaths believe this could present real risks to the American public who could be unknowingly consuming many different powerful homeopathic drugs combined in their morning tea or coffee.

How did no molecules of homeopathic drugs manage to get into the drinking supply? The exact reason is unknown, but it is thought that a big homeopathic corporation probably flushed some water down the sink. American waste water treatment plants remove all but trace contaminants from the drinking water supply, but currently they have no way to even recognize drugs at homeopathic dilutions, let alone to not remove the molecules they don’t contain. Even more shockingly, the federal government has not set safety limits for not containing no molecules of homeopathic drugs in drinking water. Only now are people asking, "why not?"

Homeopaths were quick to respond to the reports.  When asked what to do if you suspect your drinking water is contaminated with homeopathic drugs, a leading homeopath responded "whatever you do, don't dilute it, that'll only make things worse".  The Society of Homeopaths - the body responsible for policing homeopathic ethics - was quick to take action against the persons they considered responsible.  They immediately threatened to sue any internet Service Provider who allowed the story to be published. Out of habit, Netcetera told The Quackometer to remove all his homeopathy posts.

Many independent scientists are skeptical that pure water with no molecules of a drug, can cause any harm. Stephan Nouvelle, of the Neoroblogica website, was quoted as saying:

Such homeopathic notions have no basis in reality, and modern scientific investigations of homeopathic remedies, coupled with two centuries of science confirms the common sense idea that dilution weakens potency. The EPA is just trying to frighten the American public with this absurd story about zero molecules being potentized and dangerous.

But Nouvelle was in the minority.

However, it appears a solution may be to hand. A homeopath, writing in The Grauniad, noted:

The EPA seems to think that homeopathic remedies are prepared by diluting substances. They omit the critical component of shaking ('succussion') between serial dilutions. This means that for a homeopathic remedy to be potentized, it has to be shaken by a qualified homeopath who then charges you a lot of money for doing so. Without this shaking and.. er… the money going to the homeopath… it’s just tap water.

The EPA concludes from this that tap water is safe to drink - just as long as you  don’t let a homeopath near it or pay them any money. Which is good advice at any time.

Chicken, Road, Year Three

This Sunday February 3rd will be the third anniversary of this blog, and as with previous years I've revisited the numerous kooks we met in the last year, and thought about how they would answer the age old question: why did the chicken cross the road?  See my post commemorating 2006’s first anniversary, Why did the chicken cross the road?, and the 2007 version, Why did the chicken re-cross the road? for the previous versions. And with no long-winded preamble, I give you 2008’s version of:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Joe Vitale

Because it’s a Law just like gravity.

And if you disagree I’ll delete your comment.

The UK Ministry of Defence

We just spent £18,000 to see if chickens can cross roads. But we only used “novice” chickens. The real ones who can actually cross roads refused to take part.

Robert F. Kennedy Junior.

Our vaccines are making chickens cross roads because of the mercury in them. How many more chickens are crossing roads every year because there is so much mercury everywhere? Amish chickens don’t cross roads, neither do Christian Scientists’ or Scientologists’ chickens… (continued next year).

Dr. Oz

To get a “wellness” acupuncture treatment. Even though it doesn’t doesn't suffer from any actual ailments.

God

To wear out its flawed heart so I can miraculously repair it.

Sylvia Browne

Only God can cross roads every time. Take down your website or I’ll sue you.

Secretards

Chickens always cross roads, every time, no exceptions.

Secretards

I never said that chickens always cross roads, every time, no exceptions.

Secretards

When chickens fail to cross roads that’s because they CROSSED IMPROPERLY.

(… etc etc)

The Discovery Institute

To misreport the evolution issue.

James Cameron

It’s the lost tomb of the King of the Chickens!

Oprah

The chicken made up its claim that it crossed the road. How dare the chicken support made up stuff? That’s dishonest!

Join me tomorrow when I’ll be promoting “The Secret”.

John Travolta

If the chicken had only stayed on this side of the road, Scientology would have been able to get it off drugs and save its life.

At least I’m not as crazy as Tom Cruise.

Pope Ratzinger

Science has unnecessarily narrowed humanity's view of why chickens cross roads.

Hako Deepcrap

Science can’t understand why chickens cross roads which means that materialism is false.

Croppies

It’s impossible for a chicken to cross the road under those conditions and in under 90 minutes.

PaV

If we can study chickens crossing roads, they must have been intelligently designed.

BarryA

SETI don’t know who their designer is, and so chickens must have been designed to cross roads

Stephen Bennett

"Perverts Without Morals" chose to deliberately mock Jesus Christ, Christians and The Last Supper, by depicting a chicken in the place of Jesus Christ. An egg can clearly be seen in front of the chicken, and we Christians will no longer tolerate this abuse nor be silent.

I’m an ex-homosexual.

Rick Warren

I have a friend, a chicken, who wanted to cross a road. As I was walking I met a woman. She said, "I build pedestrian crossings, I'd be happy to take this case." This proves God exists.

Bill Donohue

The chicken didn’t thank Jesus for its crossing the road award. This is disgraceful. The chicken needs to make a swift and unequivocal apology to Christians. If she does, she will get this issue behind her. If she does not, she will be remembered as a foul-mouthed bigot for the rest of her life.

I’m a professional victim.

Peter Fisher

I'm very angry about it because people are going to get salmonella - there is absolutely no reason to think that homeopathy works to prevent salmonella and you won't find that in any textbook or journal of homeopathy so people will get salmonella, people may even die of salmonella if they follow this advice.

It cures everything else, though.

John Best

I don’t give a rat’s ass about your studies. I win money betting on horses so I know that chickens cross roads because of the thimerosal in vaccines.

I’m a true scientist.

The Society of Homeopaths

If the chicken crossed the road The Society’s reputation could have been lowered.

Another good way to lower The Society’s reputation would be to instigate an absurd meritless lawsuit.

Dinesh D’Souza

The Fallacy of the Enlightenment is the glib assumption that we can discover why chickens cross roads and understand reality.

Danie Krugel

I have this magic quantum box that can tell me exactly where in the world a chicken is crossing the road. All I need is a piece of the chicken’s DNA. Look, I said DNA. Also GPS. So this must be science, science, science! That is what is so fantastic about it. It’s just science. That’s it. I have no idea where Madeleine McCann is though.

I work in security at a university.

Various guests on Larry King:

Shirley MacLaine

A chicken doesn’t cross the road when it crosses the road, and we know this because Stephen Hawking says we understand energy.

James van Praagh

There is no such thing as chickens crossing roads. There is no such thing as chickens crossing roads.

Jim Callahan

Criss Angel is trying to prove that chickens can’t walk on water which means I have paranormal powers.

Ingrid Newkirk

It’s disgraceful that we experiment on chickens by seeing if they can cross roads. Send back any products from companies that make chickens cross roads. Terrorize the scientists who work for them. Pass me my pain pills. They’ve been fully tested on chickens, right?

David Kirby

I know the chicken crossed the road but I’m going to keep debating the issue anyway.

Dr. (sic) Manish Bhatia

We have seen a 50% drop in chickens crossing roads due to this SO SUCCESSFUL anti-crossing campaign.

Homeopath writing in the Guardian

Goldacre seems to think that chickens cross roads by walking. He omits the critical component of looking both ways ('lookcussion') first, without which they would, indeed, not “reach the other side”.

Joseph Chikelue Obi

Stop calling me a chicken or I’ll sue. It worked so well for The Society of Homeopaths.

MySpace

You’re banned for daring to ask such a question.

Skeptico

I predicted when and where the chicken would cross the road. Did Sylvia Browne do that? I don’t think so.

The Woo Handbook

Prologue

For some time now I’ve noticed woos using the same type of arguments or argumentative technique, over and over again. It’s almost like they’re using some kind of handbook, or something. I already knew about The Woo Woo Credo, but it seemed to me some new arguments had crept in – almost as if the whole thing had been updated. Well, thanks to stellar undercover work on behalf of Skeptico.Net Enterprises, I can reveal the source of these new woo arguments – The Woo Handbook. And it is indeed an updated handbook of the best most irritating arguments the average woo has to offer. Without further ado, I reproduce below the portions of it I have been able to procure to date. Undoubtedly there is more I don’t have (perhaps some of you can add some additional pieces), but I’ll give you what I have managed to obtain so far. So without further ado,  I hereby present extracts from:

The Woo Handbook

My fellow woos – this handbook will enable to you debate effectively with skeptics on the web, or at least irritate them for a bit. Read and absorb its contents and you should be able to debate with skeptics without having to know any actual “science” or anything hard like that. And lets face it, if we wanted to study hard stuff and learn any actual facts or evidence, we’d be real scientists and not woos. And where would be the fun in that?

Before you start though, you should remember that skeptics have many things on their side. Things like evidence, facts, logic. But don’t despair. If you follow the techniques described below it may seem like you have a valid argument more often that you would imagine, given your actual lack of knowledge, evidence or facts. Good luck, and I’m visualizing your success.

Here are the main points to successfully annoying debating with skeptics:

1. Start by telling skeptics you want to “educate them on the facts”. This puts them on the defensive (see next point below) and makes it seem like you’re the knowledgeable one with facts on your side, even though what you’re about to tell them is mostly made up.
2. When the skeptic comes back with demands for “evidence” (they love that word) for your claims, you should say the skeptic is being “defensive”. Alternatively you could try a passive aggressive approach and say the skeptic is “attacking”. Either works as well as the other. With a bit of luck, no one will notice that you didn’t have the “evidence” the skeptic wants and it will now look like the skeptic really is on the defensive.
3. If the skeptic has scientific studies that appear to support his point of view, you should point out that scientific studies have been wrong before. Vioxx is always a good word to bring up here, as is Thalidomide. And if that doesn’t work, you could point out that doctors don’t always agree in their diagnoses, or that Einstein showed Newton was wrong. Really, the possibilities are endless – after all science has been wrong many times before. In fact you should say that science has been wrong many times before.
4. Remember, your personal experience is always more valid than their scientific studies (or your lack of them). Anecdotes will convince more people you’re right than any number of “studies”, so have a couple ready. It doesn’t matter if they’re true – you’re on the internet so no one knows who you are and can check them anyway.
5. Move the goalposts. For example, if you’re claiming that Thimerosal in vaccines causes autism, and the skeptic points to a lack of studies that support this (or the continued increase in autism even though Thimerosal has been removed from vaccines), just start talking about other environmental sources of mercury, or about heavy metals in general. Make it seem the skeptic is a fool for not realizing that (for example) mercury is a “neurotoxin”. No one will notice that the skeptic was arguing something different and you’ll look like the one who really understands the science.
6. Question the skeptic’s experience or qualifications. This usually scores you some points since they’ll normally reply that this is an “appeal to authority” (or some such skeptic-like jargon), and their refusal to state their qualifications will seem like evasion. Remember you’re on the internet, and so no one can possibly know you don’t have the science degree or other experience you claim you have.
7. Skeptics are closed minded, but these days you’ll need to be subtle about saying this or they’ll just say that you’re closed-minded for not agreeing with them. Instead, refer to “closed minded scientists” who are missing the big picture that only you know about. That’ll leave the impression that the skeptics really are too closed minded to see what you see.
8. Question the motives of everyone. A scientist writing a paper must be getting funding from somewhere, after all. If you can’t find actual evidence of nefarious motives or conflicts of interest, no matter – just claim the conflicts exist. That’ll be enough in most cases.
9. Introduce quantum mechanics to the debate. For example, you might say that the observer, in the act of observing, changes the observed, or something similar. If the skeptic asks you any questions on quantum mechanics (for example to see if you really understand it), you can just click here or here and copy and paste some pretty impressive sounding scientific explanations that will silence all but the most knowledgeable. You should then act as though the skeptics are fools for not knowing all this.
10. Say that skeptics are “not skeptical enough”. This Zen-like approach makes you seem like the real skeptic while the skeptics look like rubes. In fact, extra points if you call the skeptics “Rubes” who have been fooled by _____________ (insert whatever they appear to support – big pharma / conventional medicine, you name it). You are then the “real skeptic” and can refer to the skeptics as “pseudo-skeptics”.
11. Alternatively you can say “skepticism is healthy, but…” (and then explain why it isn’t), or you can say the skeptics are  being “too skeptical”, or their skepticism goes “too far”. Avoid all discussion about how far is too far, or exactly when their skepticism has to stop. You might also not want to use this argument too close to the argument in the point above, as some skeptic might point out they contradict each other.
12. If all else fails, use the phrase “The Church of Skepticism”. That always gets them annoyed.
13. Remember that conventional doctors are “allopathic doctors” or “allopaths”. This seemingly scientific term will make it sound like you know technical terms the skeptics don’t. Few people will know they’re meaningless.
14. After the debate has been going for a while you should say you’ve provided studies to support your position, even though you haven’t. You can then periodically refer to these studies as though everyone now agrees you supplied them. Few people will remember you haven’t.
15. Equivocation is your friend. For example, when talking about  how when Columbus first arrived in the West Indies, the natives were literally unable to see his ships (it’s all in “What The Bleep Do We Know!?”), and the skeptic doubts this, just suggest that perhaps the Indians just didn’t realize they were large ships containing people. Or, perhaps they didn’t realize the significance of the ships – that they contained colonizers who would steal their lands and kill most of them off.  The skeptic will seem stupid for not agreeing with this and few people will realize this is not what the film was actually claiming.
16. Drop into the argument the fact that hundreds of years ago we didn’t know radio waves existed, but they obviously did exist, so how does the skeptic know that “qi” (or whatever) does not exist today? If nothing else, that’ll change the subject.
17. Be careful with the “we only use 10% of brain” maneuver – most skeptics will by now have handy a link to sites such as Snopes that debunk that claim. Instead talk about 7% or 3% of the brain, which should confuse them. At least it should muddy the waters. If that doesn’t work, claim you meant 7% of the “mind” and “not the physical brain”. You can then enjoy sneering at them for being stuck in the materialist paradigm, not knowing that the mind and the brain are completely separate things. Now would be a good time to mention “quantum” again. (See above.)
18. In debates that continue over several days, you should repeat arguments you made earlier as though the skeptic is a fool for not having answered these points. In a long debate, few people will realize the skeptic did refute those earlier arguments. At the very least, the skeptic will now have to waste time searching back and quoting what was written before. Few people will bother to follow the argument in this much detail.
19. When talking about whether prayer or The Secret works, say something like God (or The Secret) does answer prayers (wishes to the universe), but that “sometimes the answer is no”. There is really no way they can prove this wrong, and you will appear wise and Zen-like in comparison.
20. Finally, when you’ve used up all the above tactics, say you’re not going to waste any more time with the skeptics you’ve been debating because they’re too sad, stupid, closed-minded, ______ (insert other flaw the skeptic has) to understand your brilliant arguments. Make a big grandiose statement and exit to start anew somewhere else.

Look out for our new section for Intelligent Design Creationism, and how to debate Darwinists.

(Skeptico notes – that section will follow if I can get the full text.)

How is he? Rough!

Now we have a dog who can tell nurses when someone is going to die. I wonder if he would have picked out Joe DiMaggio?

Collective Nouns

See Randi’s list today of collective nouns for woosters. My favorite, “a drawer of spoonbenders,” although “a saucer of UFO abductees/believers” is also pretty good. Click the link for the full list.

I suggested “a closet of Secretards”. Feel free to make up better ones.

Some Sunday Links

RealClimate reports on some groundbreaking research into global warming, in The Sheep Albedo Feedback.

The Panda’s Thumb reports on how The Discovery Institute had us all fooled, by linking to Those April Fools at The Panda's Thumb.

Even a Broken Watch

…is right twice a day.

I was amused when following PZ’s link (from his post today) to the creationist Discovery Institute’s Evolution News & Views page. If you plough through all the whining about how evolutionists haven’t answered Michael Egnor’s questions about how Darwinian mechanisms can produce truly novel biological information (except they have), and if you ignore the fact that Egnor hasn’t answered Orac’s questions to Michael Egnor, right at the bottom of the page they have this:

The misreporting of the evolution issue is one key reason for this site.

Exactly!  For once, something we can all agree on. Although maybe not in quite the way they intended.

Edited to add:

Another link today to Doctor Michael Egnor. Money quote:

[Egnor's] a kind of creationist Renaissance man, knowing absolutely nothing about everything.

Classic.

Also, Tara Smith on Doctor Michael Egnor.

SETI finds something

Here’s a reason to run SETI@Home on your laptop. Via JREF I learn that someone was able to retrieve a stolen laptop using the SETI software running on it. When the stolen laptop called into SETI, the IP address of the thief was recorded on SETI’s servers:

Melin monitored the SETI(at)home database to see if the stolen laptop would "talk" to the Berkeley servers. Indeed, the laptop checked in three times within a week, and Melin sent the IP addresses to the Minneapolis Police Department.

After a subpoena to a local Internet provider, police determined the real-world address where the stolen laptop was logging on. Within days, officers seized the computer and returned it.

Finally, proof there is intelligent life in Minnesota.

The Atheist Delusion

And yes – this is a parody.

Woo Spotting

Orac will like this one. From Moonflake (“Caution: this blog contains opinions. Comments may contain nuts.”), I give you How to spot a cuckoo. A couple of my favorites:

1. They use terms like ‘Big Pharma’, ‘the Man’ and ‘the Establishment’ in all seriousness

20. They have the only known cure for cancer, HIV, autism or death but can only administer it in Mexico

The rest at the link. Reminds me a bit of Five Apples.

Why did the chicken re-cross the road?

Tomorrow, February 3^rd, will be the two-year anniversary of this blog. Skeptico is still going after two years, although not posting at the same rate as the first year. I’m currently getting 1,000 to 1,500 visitors a weekday, and just over half a million visitors in total (as of last Monday). Admittedly, that’s not as many as some people, but it’s not bad. The most read post is still my review of What The Bleep Do We Know!?, from April of 2005.

At the one year anniversary last year I posted Why did the chicken cross the road? – a retrospective of the bozos liars and frauds we met during that year. As this turned out to be a popular post, I decided to do the same again this year. I haven’t repeated the first year’s names, although many of their answers still apply. (If you want to read last year’s list, just click the link above.) There are a few who, through their continued stupidity, warranted revised entries. Most of them are new though.

So again, in honor of Skeptico’s blog birthday, and for your Friday amusement, I present Why did the chicken re-cross the road?

Islamic extremist

It is forbidden to draw pictures of the chicken crossing the road – kill infidels.

Islamic moderate

It is forbidden for the chicken to convert from Islam – cut off its head.

Christian nut

To protest blasphemers.

Islamic, Christian and Jewish leaders

To ban a gay parade.

The Pope

To decide whether it feels like believing in Limbo today or not.

Deepak Chopra

It comes as a splash of cold water to realize that science doesn't really know what the answer to this question actually is.  This sounds like a rash claim, but the mystery is there for all to see. This proves we should be using our own mind and body as healing agents. (Buy my book.)

Isaac Hayes

I have stopped answering this question due to the show's "inappropriate ridicule" of chickens crossing roads.

Shell

A chicken only uses 10% of its brain to cross the road.

The New York Times

Why do chicken’s cross road’s? Who know’s?

Rupert Sheldrake

Because someone was staring at it on this side of the road.

Allison Dubois

To take dictation from a dead person, or to make some lame-ass psycho-babble guesses about the killer (you choose).

Pat Robertson

To drink a protein shake and bench-press 2,000 pounds.

The Society for Psychical Research

The Society continues with its aim of understanding events and abilities commonly described as 'crossing roads' by promoting and supporting important research in this area. One day we’ll have an answer. Give us time - we’ve only been working on it for 125 years.

Daniel Pinchbeck

I’m not interested in your idea of why the chicken crossed the road; buy my book that describes my idea of why the chicken crossed the road.

Mark and David Geier

We’ve just set up our own Institutional Review Board to review our studies into why chickens cross roads. This isn’t unethical.

Astrologer Lynne Palmer

Here is a list of 130 days in 2001 when chickens should avoid terrorist acts while crossing roads.

Astrologers

To divine the astrological meaning and significance of the new planet Eris.

Ann Coulter

To fart and create the vast variety of life we see on Earth.

Adam the Dream Healer

To download complex scientific information about the universe from a blackbird.

Mel Gibson

Because of the Jews. Are you a Jew, sugar tits?

Gentle Wind Project

To set up a new website that’s not about making money, oh no.

Madonna

To neutralize nuclear waste with Kabbalah water.

Andron company

To threaten bloggers with legal action unless they remove an expose of their useless Shield Me product.

HIV/AIDS deniers

To make up a list of phony logical fallacies and (when caught out) pretend it was only joking.

Helene Frisch (psychic)

To see its new baby brother sister.

The Discovery Institute

It’s a secret.

Casey Luskin

To make a design inference, just like real scientists do. No, really.

Brian Rohrbough

The public school system has taught in a moral vacuum, expelling God from the school and from the government, replacing him with evolution, where the strong kill the weak without moral consequences, and so chickens cross the road for no inherent reason.

German Lawyer

To sue the government for being abducted by aliens.

Patricia Diane Cota-Robles

To be held in the embrace of an ultraviolet pulse beam from higher dimensions.

David Kirby

Chickens are only crossing lanes, not roads. It’s only a road if it’s at least a three lane highway, consequently there is no epidemic of chickens crossing roads and thimerosal causes autism.

Sylvia Browne

To find Shawn Hornbeck’s dead body “in a wooded area”.

James Van Praagh

To find Shawn Hornbeck’s dead body “in a railway car”.

Linda Rossi

Randi is an atheist and a magician, so I don’t have to answer this question.

And now for some bloggers:

Radar

To get some more anti-biotics (sic) for its cold/virus thing.

Kennesaw Williams

To get a blog name that isn’t already taken.

And some commenters on this blog:

Peter Ambrus

The truth of the matter is that there is simply no NEED for chickens to cross roads. Why? Because there is currently more than enough food on this side of the road, and if not the rest can starve anyway.

Darrell Brown

To truly look deeply at the work of Gregg Braden, past all the scientific analysis, the left brain analytical details and past its own scepticism, to reach a place we call compassion. Why are you so angry?

Cassini

To give you the same old list of dopey rationalizations for astrology that have been debunked numerous times before.

Gregory

You speak as if you claim to know exactly why chickens cross roads, or why they don’t, or even that you can know. You don't, anymore than me. You call things proven, because they cross a road. I have room in my mind for mystery, for that which is intangible, and has none of your proof.

John

The chicken is right .... you people are uninformed voices. I am very pleased that the chicken is smart enough not to engage with those who do not want to know the truth about crossing roads.  Do some reading and become informed - just don’t expect me to explain what you are uninformed about.

That’s it for another year.

Jesus is an ass?

Via Pharyngula I learn of the latest case of pareidolia. You should be laughing all day.  I know I will be.  Toooo funny.

Black’s not my color

… otherwise I’d get one

Madonna solves nuclear waste problem

Good news! Disposing of nuclear waste from nuclear power stations used to be a problem. No more. Pop icon Madonna says it can be cleaned up with a dash of Kabbalah water:

MADONNA and her husband Guy Ritchie have been lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid.

The couple, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement, approached Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) promoting a “mystical” liquid tested in a Ukrainian lake.

Madonna and other Kabbalahists believe water can be given magic healing powers through “meditations and the consciousness of sharing”. Sure it can. Here’s an example of the meditations and the consciousness of sharing in action:

Undercover reporters who attended a Kabbalah Centre dinner in London described how Madonna and Ritchie were among guests who turned east towards Chernobyl and began shouting its name.

There – and you thought this made no sense. And not only does the magic water clean up nuclear waste, it can also fix gynecological problems in cows and sheep. Is there anything it can’t do? Here’s Madonna with the scientific explanation:

“I mean, one of the biggest problems that exists right now in the world is nuclear waste,” she said. “That’s something I’ve been involved with for a while with a group of scientists — finding a way to neutralise radiation, believe it or not.”

Er, not.

One un-named British official summed this up with the only reasonable response:

“… the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically”.

Well, yes. That was nothing though. If you thought that made no sense, listen to this:

“I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?

Madonna has made fabulous films? Now she's really talking bollocks.

His Noodliness is not amused

From God Is For Suckers I learn of this group who thinks Jon Stewart is God:

Their website explains the basic principles of "Jonism," including the faith's theological foundations. Why is Jon Stewart a God? According to the "Jonsons," it's because, "He is not a man because no man can be consistently that funny. He is not an animal because he is way too articulate. He is not a plant because... well... he moves too fast. He is neither an idol nor is He a statue of any kind although his exquisitely times pauses make us wonder sometimes."

For non-US readers, Jon Stewart hosts the late night “Daily Show” – the fake news show that is more on the money with the stories behind the news than the real news. It is certainly the funniest show on TV and the one I never want to miss. But Jon Stewart is God? How dare they blaspheme against His Noodliness? I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

Still it raises an interesting question. Since The Colbert Report is a spin-off from The Daily Show – its progeny if you will – does that make Stephen Colbert The Son Of God? (AAh, forgive me oh noodly one.)

Blasphemers!

What gets Michael Behe’s goat?

Last year I wrote that Michael Behe, in sworn testimony, agreed that astrology would be considered a scientific theory if judged by the same standards as he wished Intelligent Design to be judged.   I also wrote that I was unaware of Behe’s astrological sign. Claus Larsen of Skeptic Report just advised me that Behe is a Capricorn (born January 18^th) – the Goat – and suggested I should look into the characteristics of Capricorns and see how they fit Behe.

Astrology online gives the usual list of vague Forer statements that are really too tedious to consider, but I was interested in the lists of likes and dislikes of Capricorns. First we have:

LIKES

Reliability

Professionalism

Knowing what you discuss

Firm Foundations

Purpose

Some problems there, you might think. But it was the dislikes that struck me. It seems to me that, for a Capricorn, he might be in the wrong job:

DISLIKES

Wild Schemes

Fantasies

Go-nowhere jobs

Ignominy

Ridicule

Oh dear, he dislikes fantasies, go-nowhere jobs, ignominy and ridicule? The last nine months must have been pretty miserable for him then.

Not that I believe in any of this. As regular readers know, astrology is a load of arbitrary made up rules that when tested do not work. Still, Behe apparently believes in it, and I’m sure he has studied astrology as assiduously as he studied that other science, you know, intelligent design. So, in light of the above, perhaps he is considering a change of careers. Sure enough, a little further up the page at astrology online, there is a hint of Behe’s future employment prospects:

The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornians may make some turn to entertainment as a career.

I’m sure we all wish him well in his new career in entertainment. Notwithstanding many of us thought that already was his current job.

Advice to a Medical Student

I just love yesterday’s post at The Second Sight - Words to a Potential Medical Student. Some samples:

Before you enrol for that medical course, consider carefully whether it's the best path for your life. Perhaps complementary medicine is actually a better way to go, with many clear advantages...

The course is shorter. Never mind years of study and internship, you could become an aura healer in a weekend.

…

Profits are higher. If you're a homeopath, you can continue to make your remedies from a small amount of the original for all eternity. If you're a naturopath you can just mark your supplements up at high rates.

All so true. As is my favorite:

More spare time. Since the tenets of complementary medicine never change, you don't have to worry about keeping up with the latest medical research, new drugs and new procedures. The stuff you'll learn on your course will be thousands of years old and hasn't changed at all in all that time.

Exactly. As I wrote here, in alternative medicine no errors are ever corrected and nothing changes for the simple reason that no one ever critically tests woo therapies to see if they even contain errors. Errors are a permanent feature of those beliefs. Certainly, there are never any new discoveries to keep up with.

Read the rest at The Second Sight link – I only wish I’d thought of it first.

Psychics didn’t foresee their arrests

Stupid psychic tricks are always good for a laugh. Three so-called psychics in Queens, NY were charged with accepting money for fortune telling.

According to the Queens district attorney's office, one of the psychics promised to rid one of the officers of evil spirits for the price of a mere $1,000.

"The defendants are charged with preying upon vulnerable individuals seeking advice for their problems to swindle money for their own benefit," District Attorney Richard Brown said.

According to state law, it is illegal to bill yourself as a fortune teller capable of using occult powers to answer questions, give advice or get rid of those pesky evil spirits. That is, unless it's stated that your services are for entertainment or amusement only.

Interesting that in New York State the authorities apparently don’t believe psychics are real. Wonders will never cease. Even more encouraging is that the cops in that state seem to know what is really going on at these “psychic” readings:

The defendant had the officer tie three knots on a string, which were allegedly gone when the psychic rolled the string up into a ball. If the knots disappeared, it meant that God's will wasn't present. But, the complaint said, the undercover saw the psychic switch the string.

That guy should be on Larry King. As guest host.

Anyway, it is obvious they weren’t real psychics – if these were real psychics they would have known their clients were undercover police officers.

Prehistoric new agers

Couldn’t resist reproducing this:

Hat tip to ReasonOnline. 

Mad TV spoofs Kevin Trudeau

The comedy/sketch program Mad TV (Fox, Saturday 11.00pm), can be pretty funny at times – it’s what SNL might be like if they had decent writers. I just caught a rerun of what I think was their 11^th season opener, and saw a hilarious spoof of an infomercial selling “miracle cures”. The sketch consisted of an interviewer played by Nicole Parker, and a guy promoting the miracle cures, calling himself Robin Kirkley, played by Michael McDonald.

Now, I’ve never actually seen a Kevin Trudeau infomercial, although I have seen him interviewed on TV. I have seen picture of the cover of his book though. Take a look at this frame on the left from the Mad TV sketch. Look at the book he is holding up (as he does throughout the whole sketch), and see if you think there is any similarity to another book you may have seen.

Of course, Mad TV never say it is Kevin Trudeau – it’s “Robin Kirkley”.  And the book is "Miracle Cures" while Trudeau's book is "Natural Cures" – completely different.  I typed up a small portion of the sketch:

Robin Kirkley: I want everyone out there to know I’m not in this for the money. I just want everyone to have the information in this book… for $39.95.

Interviewer: (holds finger to ear) Wait, my producers are telling me something. Is this true? You’re giving away a DVD for free.

Robin Kirkley: Yes, I absolutely am. I am giving away this DVD for free and in it you find out how to use simple herbs to cure every disease known to mankind absolutely free… for $39.95.

(Snip)

Interviewer: You say that these simple herbs can cure every disease known to mankind.

Robin Kirkley: Yes, they absolutely can. They can cure heart disease, they can cure emphysema, cure lupus, leprosy,

Interviewer: That’s a big one.

Robin Kirkley: It’s very big these days, yes. They can cure… micro-testicles, phantom leg syndrome, unfunnyness – go on, name some more.

Interviewer: I’ve got one! Liver disease.

Robin Kirkley: Cured!

Interviewer: Oh no! You tricked me. You knew your herbs can cure all diseases known to man and I fell for it.

Robin Kirkley: Yes, I’m sorry but I had to trick you. You see it’s important for you to know that I only lie when I’m trying to show how honest I am.

(Snip)

Interviewer: I wouldn’t be doing my job as an infomercial journalist if I didn’t ask you a couple of tough questions.

Robin Kirkley: Go ahead.

Interviewer: OK then. If these miracle cures have been around for centuries, how come I’m only just hearing about them now?

Robin Kirkley: (Pauses – looks surprised) Wow! I didn’t see that one coming. Think about it: if all these diseases were cured it would bring the pharmaceutical industry to its knees. That’s why the Federal government has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars prosecuting me for things like fraud, false advertising and baby trafficking. 

The sketch continues with an interview with a “doctor” shown only in shadow, who relates how he was using the miracle herbs to cure all his patients of all their diseases and save their lives, when a man from the government came and threatened his family with a live hand grenade unless he stopped curing his patients with the herbs and went back to using pharmaceuticals.

It’s a classic sketch. If I was a faster typist I might transcribe some more (although then I might be infringing their copyright). It’s a perfect example of how good focused comedy is as good a debunking tool as facts and evidence. Not that it was really about Kevin Trudeau, oh no.

Anyway, if you get a chance, you should Tivo it. Highly recommended.

New evidence of cell phone dangers

Many have claimed there are risks to using cell phones – specifically risks of brain damage. This claim has been controversial, but it seems there is new evidence cell phones might be dangerous after all. Take note.

Anomaly noticed on Skeptico’s birthday

The people at Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research (PEAR) are fond of spotting “anomalies” in data and suggesting they may have detected global human consciousness acting in concert. I recently detected an anomaly in the site traffic for this blog, timed exactly at its birthday, February 3^rd, as you can see from the following chart:

Could my sensors have detected the global joy and happiness experienced by the peoples of the world at this blog’s anniversary?

Actually, no. Just as PEAR are really just seeing shapes in the clouds, the blip in visitors on February 3^rd was actually due to the excellent plugs for my anniversary post Why did the chicken cross the road? by Pharyngula and others. Thanks to all who linked that day and made it such a success. As it was obviously so popular, I have started collecting victims contributors for my February 3^rd 2007 post.

Aarrr, it’s a pirate in a pancake

It’s happened again – this time someone has seen Jesus in a pancake, according to this report by KTVU TV:

Mike Thompson was making pancakes last weekend for his family when the pattern on one of the flapjacks caught his eye.

Upon closer inspection, he saw what he thought was the face of Jesus. He showed his wife, and she agreed.

That's when the couple decided to do what anyone who discovers such an edible artifact does these days -- they put it up for sale on eBay.

I don’t know. To me it looks more like Captain Pugwash:

But then I guess Captain Pugwash wouldn’t sell too well on eBay. Even if they really did have the characters Master Bates, Seaman Staines, and Roger the Cabin Boy (which they didn’t).

At least they didn’t say it looked like Mohammad!

Feb 12 – Edited to add:

Currently bidding at $16K on eBay:

Feb 15 – Edited to add:

It has now been removed by eBay.

Intelligent Design Society of Kansas FAQ

Via Pharyngula I learn of The FAQ the Discovery Institute ought to use.

A sample:

How do you recognize when something is Irreducibly Complex?

Something is Irreducibly Complex when proponents of Intelligent Design can't imagine how natural selection could have produced it

Pretty funny – and so true.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Skeptico is one year old today! Hard to believe, but my first post, Drivel from Chopra, was on February 3^rd 2005.  (Some things never change, it seems.)

Anyway, I’m not going to bore you with details of how many posts I’ve made, how many visitors, etc etc. You don’t care. Instead, I started thinking about all the people we’ve met over the past year, and wondered how they might answer the age old question of this post’s title. So, in celebration of Skeptico’s first birthday, and for (what I hope will be) your Friday amusement, I present the various answers to the question…

Why did the chicken cross the road?

James Randi

I have a million dollar prize for the chicken if it can cross a road as it claims. It is now 225 weeks since the chicken agreed to be tested, and so I ask the chicken, when will you fulfill your promise?

(Sound of crickets…)

Loyd Auerbach

If the chicken crossed the road, the skeptics wouldn’t believe it; they would just believe that Randi was simply scammed out of his million.   It wouldn't change the prevailing attitudes towards poultrypsychology.

Gary Schwartz PhD

I have proven that chickens cross roads in the afterlife. I don’t need to publish my data: I have a PhD from Harvard.

Victor Zammit

I have a million dollar prize for anyone who can prove to a team of judges I appoint that invisible chickens that cross invisible roads don’t exist.

I’m a lawyer.

Sylvia Browne

Randi ran away from the duck crossing the beach test in Bali, so why should the chicken bother?  Quack quack.

James Van Praagh

Just because I can’t prove the chicken crossed the road doesn’t mean it didn’t.

Char Margolis

Do you have somebody who is a “C”?

John Edward

They’re showing me feathers. Wings.  A beak. Do you know an eagle?

A hawk?

A turkey?

A sparrow?

A duck?

A bird of some kind?

Caller: I know a chicken

Edward: You know a chicken that crossed? I thought so because they’re showing me a plate of scrambled eggs.

Larry King: Wow! That’s amazing! How does he do it?

Allison Dubois

There are a lot of chickens that just pretend to cross roads. Beware of these fake chickens – mine really can cross roads.

Jackie Stallone

Send me a close-up photo of the chicken’s ass and a check for $125, and I’ll tell you.

Nostradamus

At the sign of the APAC
Great beasts howl through the night
Two blazing eyes a long time will make war
The Chicken & the Eagle, France the three brothers.

Gregg Braden

“Chicken” in Hebrew is “Tarnegolet”. Using Gematria - the ancient Hebrew system of numerology – “Tarnegolet” converts to 372 = 3+7+2=12 = 1+2=3. Eggs are sold by the dozen. A dozen is 12 = 1+2=3. Could it be that chickens and eggs were created at the same time (which answers the age-old question)? God’s signature is in our DNA which is also 3. So God put it in the DNA of chickens to cross roads.

A baker’s dozen is 13. The next Fibonacci number after 8, the target frequency of the Schumann Resonance, is 13. Can it be just coincidence that these two numbers are the same? Surely not.

I’m a scientist.

Bill O’Reilly

There is a war on chickens crossing the road - part of the secular progressive agenda to get chickens and crossing roads out of the public square. Because if you can question why chickens need to cross roads then you can pass secular programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will and compulsory gay marriage for everyone.

Pat Robertson

I’d like to say to the good chickens by the side of the road: if you are crossing the road and a car is about to run you over: don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him.  And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when the car hits you: you just voted God out of your lives. But don’t forget, Jesus loves you.

Doreen Virtue

Chickens are really angels with very real messages for us about when to cross roads.

Prince Charles

We farm using the principles of biodynamics, a form of farming in which chickens are treated with homeopathic remedies rather than antibiotics, and the signs of the zodiac determine when to cross roads.

David Icke

It wasn’t a chicken; it was a shape shifting lizard.

Deepak Chopra

The interesting thing about the tsunami was, no chicken died.  They were so tuned in to the forces of nature that they crossed the road to the high level mountainous area on the other side where the tidal waves could not reach (quantum mechanics quantum mechanics).

Dr. Jay Gordon

The American Academy of Poultry has a very cozy relationship with the chicken industry. Most speakers in the crossing roads controversy are paid consultants to the chicken industry; this means their conclusions are wrong.

PsiTech

Since the commencement of this project, PSI TECH has worked diligently on the first objective: to find the chicken. It was determined within the first few hours that it was deceased – it had been run over by a milk truck while crossing the road. The driver of the milk truck was a white male with short cropped hair – here is a picture of the driver.

…

DID WE SAY DECEASED? Nooooooooooo, we meant it crossed the road safely. It isn’t that remote viewing doesn’t work; we just misinterpreted the data (er, we didn’t see the chicken safe on the other side, but we see it now).

Robert F. Kennedy Junior

In June 2000, a group of top government veterinarians and poultry officials gathered secretly for a secret meeting at an isolated broiler farm in Norcross, Ga.  Convened by the Centers for Chicken Disease Control and Prevention (CCDC), the meeting was held at this remote retreat to ensure complete secrecy. All of the scientific data under discussion, CCDC officials repeatedly reminded the participants, was strictly “secret”.

Did I say “secret”? Does it sound like a conspiracy yet? According to the following out of context quotes from the transcripts (obtained under the Freedom of Information Act – aren’t I great?), the officials spent the whole of the two days just conspiring how to cover up the damaging revelations about how salmonella would affect the poultry industry's bottom line. This proves thimerosal causes salmonella.

I’m a lawyer.

Michael Behe

A chicken crossing a road has:

• eyes
• legs
• a road
• the other side

If any one of those irreducibly complex parts is missing the chicken will be unable to cross the road, so if it looks, walks (across roads) and clucks like a chicken, then, absent compelling evidence to the contrary, it's an intelligently designed chicken. Its legs are molecular machines, literally outboard motors. Look at Mount Rushmore… (Continued)

William Dembski

While evolution is able to explain small scale changes within species, it has completely failed to explain the sudden explosion of life forms during the Cambrian Explosion, where the chicken appeared suddenly in the fossil record with no trace of evolutionary ancestors (eggs).  Since Darwin’s theory can’t explain precisely how this particular chicken crossed this precise road at this precise spot at this precise time, any life of any kind, anywhere, is evidence of design.

The Dover School Board

The theory of crossing roads is a theory not a fact. Gaps in the theory exist for which there is no evidence.  If you wish to investigate the alternative theory of “intelligent crossing”, you should consult a book called “Of Chickens and People” in the school library.

Kansas Board of Education

An unknown supernatural entity made the chicken cross the road at an unknown time in an unknown way for an unknown reason. Intelligent crossing is a scientific term.

Hugh Ross

According the 322 parameters and the probabilities for each that I have made up, there is a less than 1 chance in 10²⁸² that a chicken could cross a road without a divine miracle.

Terrell Owens

It was part of God’s plan to give the chicken an even bigger platform during Super Road Crossing Sunday than it otherwise would have had, thus proving God's greatness.

Bill Maher

The vaccine won’t protect you against chicken flu. Louis Pasteur renounced that theory on his deathbed and said that Beauchamp was right: it’s not the mosquito, it’s the terrain; it's not the chicken, it’s the inhumane battery conditions they’re kept in where they don’t get to run around happily in the sunlight, pecking freely at the ground and crossing roads at will.

I’m a board member of PETA.

Greenpeace

The genetically modified chicken crossed the road to contaminate the non-GM chickens on the other side of the road with genetically modified DNA. This has created a “superchicken” that can cross roads at will without ever being hit by a truck.

Alien abductee

The chicken awoke to find it was paralyzed and surrounded by aliens that teleported it out of its bedroom, over the road to the mother ship where they performed experiments on its eggs.

Susan Clancy

What you have is a chicken that is predisposed to believe it can cross roads. Here's a chicken who reads maps and travel guides. It watches “Martha Stewart” and other cookery programs.  Then one night it has a sleep-paralysis experience. It doesn’t mean it really happened.

Ramtha channeled by JZ Knight

The chicken can create its own crossing roads reality just by thinking about it (quantum mechanics quantum mechanics).

Scientologist

The chicken crossed the road to receive auditing. The auditing will reveal a need yet to cross additional roads for more auditing. The additional auditing will reveal a need to cross even more roads for even more auditing. This will reveal… (continued).

Penny Thornton (astrologer)

We can only make assumptions as to why chickens cross roads. But given that these ancient civilizations saw omens in the flights of birds and sheep’s entrails, why not chickens?

Robert Hand (astrologer)

Although I study chickens for a living, if you wish to get the answer you are going to have to do the research yourself.

Dorian Gieseler Greenbaum (astrologer)

As post modernity impacts on all epistemological levels to link eidos with telos in a hermeneutic perspective, science acknowledges that it is no longer the sole custodian of why chickens cross roads.

Now for some commenters on this blog…

Boney

What’s wrong with asking if the chicken is channeling Ramtha when it crosses the road? Did gravity exist before Newton discovered it?

Grace (and others)

Chickens have been crossing roads for 5,000 years. What makes you think that the tools of science, only a few hundred years old, will be adequate to prove or disprove this?

Karl

If you question why chickens cross roads you must be a grinding a political axe. I bet you disagree with Michael Moore too. If you don’t immediately tell me your political affiliation that proves chickens can cross roads.

Diathermic

Why does Skeptico need to appease his ego by asking for evidence that chickens cross roads? Allopathy kills 225,000 people per year and Stephen Barrett has lost his license and needs a toupee, so chickens can cross roads.

TSK

Skeptico called Auerbach an “idiot”. Skeptico’s use, once, of this single word refutes all of Skeptico’s argumentations and means chickens can cross roads.

I’m an engineer.

Edit (Added on request):

Bronze Dog

Logical Fallacy/Propaganda Tactic: Changing the subject / Red herring: the reason the chicken crossed the road is irrelevant to the issue. The only purpose for questioning the chicken’s reason for crossing the road, at least in this case, is to distract people from the issue.

And now, some of my fellow skeptical bloggers…

Autism Diva

Autism Diva awards the chicken four tiaras, her highest award, for outstanding effort at crossing roads on behalf of autistics everywhere.

Autism Diva
Cluck Cluck

Pharyngula

Here is an explanation of how invertebrates evolved the ability to cross roads…

Butterflies and wheels

Yes why indeed?  It was suggested that the crossing was caused by a supernatural being. Well, yes, it might, it might. But is it likely? I mean, is it? Seriously. Think about it. Is it likely? At all?  Does it seem even remotely plausible? That “some all powerful conscious being” (but who? oh, who? who might it be? Colonel Sanders?), powerful enough to “produce” perhaps the entire universe and some conscious beings with free will - would cause a chicken to cross the road?

Bob Park

NASA terminated the chicken’s road crossing expedition so it can concentrate on the useless Space Station and its new priority of sending chickens to the Moon.

The Bad Astronomer

The chicken crossed the road to see these really cool pictures of the egg nebula taken by the Near Infrared Camera and Multi-Object Spectrometer (NICMOS) on the Hubble Space Telescope. Science is really cool. I love this stuff.

Rockstar Ryan

I'll go out on a limb and say it was probably to get to the other freaking side you moron.

Respectful Insolence

This will be the last article I write about the chicken and the crossing the road case for a while. This post is definitely the last one. If something new comes up, certainly I'll think about addressing it, but there are only so many times and ways one can debunk the chicken "rebuttal" to the crossing roads report without starting to bore people (although the sheer number of howlers that the chicken included in his report did provide a lot of blogging material to handle them properly). So I’m not going to write about this much more.

But, before I move on, I just wanted to write this one more post about the chicken’s rebuttal. That’s what this post is going to be about. Once I get to it it will be, anyway. Honestly. So here I am, writing my last post on the chicken and the crossing the road case.  My last post for a while anyway. OK. It’s going to be good. Here goes.

When the chicken… (Continued.)

And finally…

Skeptico

The question is not, why did the chicken cross the road? Before I answer that question you will first need to demonstrate if the chicken crossed the road. So if you have any evidence that the chicken did actually cross the road, please present it.

^{Sorry to those I missed}

He’s a lumberjack and…

According to Ananova, a Croatian lumberjack is suing his local health authority because he says his life has changed since he was given a woman’s kidney:

He says his life changed from enjoying heavy drinking sessions with pals to prefering housework after the operation.

…

"I have developed a strange passion for female jobs like ironing, sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes in wardrobes and even knitting."

He pointed out that before the kidney transplant he would not have been seen dead doing the housework, and expected his wife to do it all, but now found it both relaxing and fulfilling.

All together now:

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars

I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa

Nah, the lawsuit doesn’t stand a chance.

Merry Newtonmass

Today we celebrate the birthday of Sir Isaac Newton, born this day in 1642 (old style Julian calendar).  Newton remains one of the true giants of science, having discovered that gravity affects celestial bodies according to the same laws that we observe on Earth. Newton’s laws are still used by NASA today when sending vehicles into space -  an amazing achievement for the seventeenth century.

So kick back today and raise a toast to Sir Isaac. And remember, Newton was actually born on December 25^th, unlike, er, that other guy whose birthday is also celebrated by many today.

Scientology on South Park

Apparently tonight’s edition of South Park is about Scientology:

According to a source who has read a draft of the script, it begins with Stan leaving a psychiatrist’s office only to be hailed as a savior by the leaders of a strange, Scientology-esque cult because of his off-the-chart results on an E-meter-like “personality test.” A group of Hollywood A-listers quickly gather outside Stan’s house, we’re told, with Tom Cruise somehow ending up stuck in a closet—leading a news crew stationed at the scene to report that Cruise’s fans fervently want the actor to “just come out.”

The episode, Featuring Tom Cruise, is called “Trapped in the Closet”. It’ll be interesting to see how they cover this story, although I hope it’s funnier than most other recent episodes. South Park is not as good as it was, in my opinion.

The article goes on to say that the “Chef” character doesn’t appear in this episode. Chef is voiced by Isaac Hayes, who is himself a Scientologist. I wonder what Chef would have said?

Children! Scientology is the gateway to eternity.

How to Succeed at Quackery (Without Even Trying)

For a brilliant take on alternative “medicine”, read A Photon in the Darkness’ second part of How to Succeed at Quackery (Without Even Trying) – satirical instructions for how to milk your alternative niche for all it is worth.

For example, some advice on billing:

Maintenance or multiple visit schemes work best if the bill for each individual visit is smaller. Look at chiropractors, the past masters of this scheme - they charge much less than real doctors for an office visit because they know that this will impress the mark with how much more economical chiropractic is. What the mark doesn't know is that the $60 chiropractic bill will be repeated ad infinitum without having any lasting impact on their physical health.

On your waiting room:

People hate waiting in doctor's offices - surveys have shown that over and over. And the reason they have to wait is that real doctors are treating real diseases that don't always follow the rules of a fifteen minute office visit. Since the quack is either treating imaginary diseases or is giving imaginary treatments, the quack office can run on a much tighter schedule. Your job is to make sure that it does.

On the first consultation:

Plan on a long first visit - an hour or so. This will give the mark the chance to tell you the whole sad story of their life. Don't try to keep them on the track or interrupt them with questions. It doesn't matter if they spend the whole hour talking about how their boss doesn't appreciate them, because it will have no impact on what you do - your treatment will be the same no matter what they say.

All so true. When can we start?

Debating IDiots

A new way to approach them.

Via Pharyngula.

“Intelligent Design” cannot be displayed

Another idea for Google bombing: Intelligent Design.

For your car

It had to happen:

It’s a sign!

Oldest noodles unearthed in China:

The remains of the world's oldest noodles have been unearthed in China.

The 50cm-long, yellow strands were found in a pot that had probably been buried during a catastrophic flood.

Radiocarbon dating of the material taken from the Lajia archaeological site on the Yellow River indicates the food was about 4,000 years old.

What more proof do you need? Bow down before his noodly appendage!

Leno gets it right

You’ve probably read how Madonna has upset some Kabbalist rabbi by using the name of a holy mystic in one of her songs. The BBC reports the rabbi saying:

"Jewish law forbids the use of the name of the holy rabbi for profit," said Cohen, who runs a seminary named after Luria in the northern Israel town of Safed.

"Her act is just simply unacceptable and I can only sympathise for her because of the punishment that she is going to receive from the heavens."

Ho hum. She’s only got herself to blame. When you embrace a load of mystical nonsense you can hardly complain when a mystical leader heaps a load of mystical nonsense on you for breaking their silly made-up rules. Anyway, the complaint was that Madonna had used Luria’s name for profit, in one of her songs. Jay Leno (US TV comedian) last night had the solution – Madonna should in future only use Luria’s name in her films.

Swept straight to video

2005 Ig Nobel Awards

The Fifteenth Annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony was held this evening at the Harvard University campus. This year’s winners were:

AGRICULTURAL HISTORY:

James Watson of Massey University, New Zealand, for his scholarly study, The Significance of Mr. Richard Buckley’s Exploding Trousers: Reflections on an Aspect of Technological Change in New Zealand Dairy-Farming between the World Wars,"

PHYSICS:

John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
REFERENCE: "The Pitch Drop Experiment,"

MEDICINE:

Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.
REFERENCES: US Patent #5868140, and the book Going Going NUTS!,

LITERATURE:

The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them.

PEACE:

Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie "Star Wars."
REFERENCE: "Orthopteran DCMD Neuron: A Reevaluation of Responses to Moving Objects.

ECONOMICS:

Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly, thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday.

CHEMISTRY:

Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?
REFERENCE: "Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?"

BIOLOGY:

Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich perfume company, Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia; Michael Tyler of the University of Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide; and Yoji Hayasaka of the Australian Wine Research Institute; for painstakingly smelling and cataloging the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.
REFERENCE: "A Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and Phylogenetic Significance,

NUTRITION:

Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting).

FLUID DYNAMICS:

Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu , Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Loránd Eötvös University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation."

Deliver us from evilution

Over at The Panda’s Thumb is a prayer for the so-called intelligent design believers:

Our Intelligent Designer,
Who art in the unspecified-good-place,
Unknown be Thy name.
Thy flagella spin, Thy mousetraps snap,
On Earth, as it is in the
Unspecified-good-place.
Give us each day our unchecked apologetic.
And forgive us our invidious comparisons,
As we smite those iniquitous Darwinists
With rhetoric.
And lead us not into encounters with people
Who ask us to state our theory,
But deliver us from biologists
Who know what we’re up to.
For Thine is the irreducible complexity,
And the wiggly parts of bacterial bottoms,
And the inapplicable theorems,
Now and forever.

Amen.

Has about as much chance of working as any other prayer I suppose. That is to say, no chance at all.

(PS: Checkout the comments section at Panda’s Thumb for some more humorous prayers.)

Psychic games

It’s time for some Friday fun with these two seemingly psychic sites. If you haven’t seen these before, give them a try.

First, the Mystic Ball will read your mind. Think of a number between 0 and 99 – somehow the mystic ball seems to know the number you chose.

Second, pick one card out of six and somehow the Amazing Garfield knows which one you picked.

How do they do it? Try and figure it out – it’s not that hard.

Google Moon

In honor of the 36^th anniversary of the first Moon landing, Google have introduced Google Moon Maps. These show the locations of the six Moon landings, but you must be sure to zoom in all the way for the full effect.

Btw, Google are hiring.

From Reason Online Hit & Run.

Apologies to The Puffington Host

In my recent post commenting on the anti-vaccine hysteria promoted by The Huffington Post, I referred to that site (in what I fondly imagined was cutting edge wit), as The Puffington Host. I find I must therefore apologize to The real Puffington Host for in any way implying their organ is The Huffington Post. Or, as their site proclaims:

Life at the intersection of Politics and Entertainment. NOT affiliated with The Huffington Post. Unless, of course, you count us ridiculing them loudly and abusively as being affiliated with them.

Nuff said.

And apparently I can’t refer to Huffington’s Toast either, for the same reasons.

What am I going to use for bad puns in future? The Huffing and Roast? The Huff and I’ll Puff the Most? What is an honest blogger to do?

God's total quality management questionnaire

On a lighter note - some weekend humor.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Astrology is bullshit

No, really. Here’s a guy who despises astrology even more than I do. Laugh out loud funny.

Human beings recalled

In an unprecedented move today, the US Department of Commerce and the European Commission on Product Safety (ECPS) announced a joint recall of the human race. Citing shoddy workmanship, poor design and premature failure of the units, the recall is meant to force the manufacturer, Intelligent Design Inc., to address these complaints.

Read the rest here.

Gullibility virus

(I don’t know who wrote this – I wish I could claim I did, but I can’t. Anyway, it’s pretty funny and you can find it all over the internet.)

Do you get those annoying emails, forwarded by some idiot who never checks anything, telling you something you know is nonsense and that you don’t have time to read? Next time, copy and paste the following into your reply to them. For bonus points, hit “reply all”. You might not win any friends, but they’ll get the message.

Subject: Warning! Warning! Danger! Watch OUT!

***********************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
***********************************************

WASHINGTON D.C.  -- The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to underarm deodorant, terrorist attacks, computer viruses, taxes on email, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:

The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking. The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others. A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Google is your friend.

Hoaxbusters
http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://us.mcafee.com/virusInfo/default.asp?id=hoaxes

Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com

Stop Spam
http://www.stop-spam.org/On-Line_Spam/antispam_fraud.php

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

James Randi Education Foundation
www.randi.org

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

*************************************************************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!! AND LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS. Because stories written in ALL CAPITALS MUST BE TRUE. For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over the world, you're obviously thinking too much.)
*************************************************************
ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY

! LIMITED TIME ONLY! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!